A Moment to Breathe
by MassHysteric
Summary: The Skylian Blitz was not only the first defining moment in Cadrina Shepard's military career, but the event that changed her life forever...


This is my first fanfic - had this story idea floating in my head for almost two years and since finishing up Mass Effect 2, even more ideas trying to beat their way out of my head. I hope you like this one – I"ll try to set down the rest…..

Profile: Cadrina Ellen Shepard – Spacer, War Hero, Paragon, Infiltrator

Cadrina Shepard shuffled into her quarters, exhausted. The Normandy had returned to port at the Citadel and the events of the past few days were playing over in her mind. Saren was dead, Sovereign was destroyed, and the Council was saved by the Alliance Fleet on her orders. Though they had dismissed her repeated warnings about the Reaper threat and grounded her for her efforts, she knew that the galaxy couldn't afford the loss of the Council and be plunged into chaos.

She slowly eased down and sat on her bed, looking down at the deck. She smirked at another remembrance. The grateful Council had asked her to name a human to be appointed to the Council. She chose Captain David Anderson, much to Ambassador Udina's chagrin. Anderson had believed in her and supported her from the beginning – it was the least she could do to repay him. Burning Udina was a bonus.

Cadrina's smile grew wider as she remembered the impromptu "after-party" aboard the Normandy as the crew prepared to go on shore leave and her non-human companions were about to part ways. Urdnot Wrex remarked that having "galactic hero" status may net him some choice jobs. As the Normandy was about to drop off Tali'Zorah Vas Neema with the Migrant Fleet, there was a flurry of holos taken by Engineer Adams with the young quarian posing with the crew and then a tearful goodbye hug from Adams himself, saying she was the "best damn engineer" anyone could want. Tali was soon in tears herself as she hugged the commander goodbye after she was presented with recordings of her favorite music from Flux and other gifts. Garrus Vakarian reiterated his pledge to remember what Cadrina taught him about finding the best solutions to problems and not forsaking procedure for the sake of quick justice. Liara T'Soni promised another evening together after she settled her affairs with the Council and her Prothean research.

Cadrina completed her final mission reports and requisitions as the Normandy made its way back to Council space. Including notices for next of kin.

Shepard advised Joker that she would need to tidy up her quarters a little and not to wait up. Now she was alone on the Normandy, remembering her ordeal and those who had died.

Jenkins. Young corporal fresh for adventure, cut down in his prime by the geth. Never even had a chance to fight back

Benezia. A respected Matriarch reduced to Saren's thrall and a tool of the Reapers who in the end used her last ounce of strength to try to set things right

Kaidan…..

Cadrina's eyes began to well up and her breath became more labored. Kaidan Alenko had been smitten with her from the beginning and despite a promise she made to herself not to pursue any relationships, Cadrina began flirting with him. She found him quite attractive and enjoyed the conversations she had with him. Then Liara entered her life. Kaidan was charming, but she found Liara's innocence and social awkwardness endearing. And when Liara's mother Benezia died, Cadrina wanted only to console the asari her and tell her that she wasn't alone. She knew all too well the pain Liara felt.

And then out of nowhere Kaidan and Liara confronted her in the communications room about her attentions to them both and forced her to choose.

And she chose.

Cadrina could still remember the hurt that flashed in Kaidan's eyes when she declared her feelings for Liara. A single tear streamed down her cheek and her breath caught for a second …

_Is this how a hero behaves? Taking advantage of others? How could you be so stupid_, Cadrina chastised herself. _You've never been lucky in love, sure, but you never liked it when they toyed with your emotions. Now you think you're above it all; you can do as you please. Then you run off and do the same… GODAMN… THING…_

She began to sob quietly….

"You had to choose… you left him behind…. You had to choose again, and you still left him behind….. Now he's GONE…. He said he forgives me… but I can't forgive me… I'm sorry Kaidan…. I didn't want to hurt you…. I'm sorry…. I'm sorry….."

Shepard held her head in one hand and wiped away tears with the other as she wept, unaware that she had vocalized her last thoughts. And that she was not alone on the ship after all.

"Shepard…"

Cadrina gasped and her head snapped up to look. Standing in the doorway to her quarters, with a look of pity and concern on her face, was Liara.

Cadrina composed herself as best she could. She believed she was alone, she felt no need to lock her door….

"I thought you were at the Presidium, Liara," Cadrina managed.

"My… debriefing with the Council ended early," explained Liara. "I had heard from Joker that you were still on board. I thought I could stop by to assist you… or keep you company…"

Liara felt uneasy. She and Cadrina had Joined just before the Ilos mission. Shared in a moment of tenderness and pure bliss before the end, hearts and minds entwined. The first love of her life was now sitting before her in tears speaking Kaidan's name… could it be that Cadrina loved him more? _No, it cannot be,_ she reassured herself. _There is more to this._ Liara drew in a small breath and walked over to the bed and sat beside Cadrina, taking her hand. Cadrina cast her eyes to the floor once again.

"Shepard?" Liara began.

Cadrina responded with an amused snort "Don't be so formal, Liara. Call me Cadrina." She smiled weakly "Or Cady."

"All right then…. Cady." Liara rubbed Cadrina's hand and leaned in more, hoping to look in her eyes. Cadrina eventually obliged. She looked into Liara's eyes, saw the questions in them and felt more tears beckon.

"Liara" she began and then paused to hold back a sob "It's not that at all. I just wish that… Virmire…"

"I know, Cady. No one should have to make that kind of decision."

Cadrina made another effort to compose herself. "I'm sorry you had to see me like this. I'll be okay, really. I just need some time to myself; a moment to breathe, that's all." Cadrina started to rise from the bed to walk Liara out of the room "It's not the first time I've been through this"

Liara pulled her back down again. Cadrina was a bit surprised at Liara's strength and boldness. "But each time you suffer alone," Liara reprimanded "I sensed this pain in you even before that night, in those times you opened your mind to me. There is a great sorrow buried deep that you will not share. I shared the pain of my mother's loss with you." She squeezed Cadrina's hand "Why are you so ashamed?"

"I'm supposed to be Humanity's White Knight. Unshakable… unstoppable. Look at me," stammered Cadrina "I'm a GODAMN WRECK!"

"I do not think any less of you now than I have when I first met you," Liara reassured "You have an inner strength as I have never seen in anyone else. You have endured so much - you just need rest, your 'moment to breathe' as you said. There is nothing wrong with doing so in the company of those who care about you."

"It matters when people look to you as a savior, as their only hope when all hope is gone. People can't lose faith, Liara. Not now." Cadrina chuckled as she thought of the nickname the press gave her, from the battle that made her famous.

"They called me… the Angel of Elysium."

"Elysium," Liara echoed. She thought back to the research she did on Cadrina Shepard that didn't meet with her subject's approval. A young lieutenant on shore leave took charge when batarian pirates and slavers attacked. She rallied the remaining security forces and had them fortify defenses, coordinated efforts to bring in stranded civilians to the safety of the colony main complex. And when the enemy began its final push as the S.O.S. call went out, she managed to tie in anti-aircraft guns and some key gun emplacements to her sniper rifle with an omni-tool in an audacious show of hacking skills, enabling her to become an army of one. For three nonstop days she single-handedly held off ground forces foolhardy enough to brave the established chokepoints and the attempted air strikes from her secure perch on the communications tower. When the conflict ended and Alliance reinforcements finally arrived, many enemy combatants were found afraid to emerge from their hiding places. She was found exhausted and nearly dehydrated, but she prevailed. Cadrina Ellen Shepard had earned the respect and gratitude of the Alliance, the Star of Terra and admission to the N7 Special Ops program.

Cadrina shook her head "A fallen angel is more like it…"

Liara saw through to the heart of the matter. "…You lost someone there…"

Cadrina nodded and her face grimaced as she tried to stem another wave of tears. Liara edged closer and draped her arm over her, holding Cadrina to her. _Be strong for her now._

"Please, tell me," Liara asked softly.

Cadrina was silent, hesitant.

"Please…"

"A-alright" Cadrina surrendered, took a deep breath and exhaled.

"Outside of my parents… and the people in that room, I never told anyone what I'm about to tell you…."

MEMEMEMEMEMEME

When Cadrina awoke from a four day sleep in Central Hospital on Elysium, it was all her three young Alliance-assigned aides could do to keep reporters at bay. They wanted to see Her, the Angel. As she regained her strength, she had her aides investigate the colony to find out what had happened to those she had personally rescued, those who fought alongside her. Some were alive and well, others had sustained varying injuries. A few did not survive.

It was when she was able to stand and walk about on her own that she got the news. The aide was reluctant to divulge his findings, seeing that Cadrina was beginning to brood over the loss of some of her compatriots. But she gently pleaded with him to tell her.

"We believe we have found the man you described to us… Nathan Weiss…. You'll need to come down… to the morgue."

Cadrina's face went pale. Her gut wrenched.

"To identify the body."

Dressed in plain clothes so as not to attract attention, Cadrina was escorted down various halls and stairwells on her way to the lower levels of the hospital. Infrequent power fluctuations made taking the elevators a risk. She passed by ward after ward, filled to capacity with injured soldiers and civilians. Laughter and joy from those whose friends and loved ones survived gathered near; tears from those who lost everything. A soldier cannot acknowledge pain – easy when you didn't have to see the aftermath of war. Get in, accomplish the mission, get out and let the bureaucrats and diplomats do their thing.

Cadrina was able to keep her composure for the most part on other missions and had witnessed scenes much like these. She had also lost a comrade before, but it was a risk they all took when they enlisted and she took the loss pretty much in stride. But now it was different. The pain hit home. She thought of all the people she passed by, the people she was involved with. The possibility that Nathan was dead had torn open a hole and exposed her to those forbidden feelings. She had just become conscious that her eyes were watering up when she finally arrived at the morgue.

Two grim faced doctors waited beside a draped-over table as Cadrina and her escorts entered the room. After the room door sealed, one of the doctors moved to the head of the table and grasped the sheet ends. He looked intently at Cadrina, who was steeling herself for the fateful moment. _Maybe it's not him, _she thought_. Maybe it's someone else. It happens._ Cadrina nodded her permission, and the doctor slowly revealed the face beneath the sheet…..

_No._

A man in his mid to late thirties, square face, short dark brown hair….

_God, no!_

Slightly large nostrils, often the butt of her jokes about "inhaling the room…"

Brow in a perpetual furrow as in deep thought, even while asleep…

_Nathan…_

Cadrina nodded again. "It's him." Oddly enough, she became numb and disconnected. It was still all too surreal for her.

"I'm sorry, Lieutenant." The doctor said as he draped Nathan's face over again.

She turned to follow the others out of the room when she noticed something on a nearby table. It looked like most of Nathan's personal items were placed there. Her eyes locked in on a small black velvet box off to one side. The attending doctor saw this and quickly motioned for his partner to intercede, but she was quicker and in a swift motion snatched up the box. She moved off to the opposite corner of the room. The doctors began arguing and Cadrina's escorts tried to calm them, but their commotion was lost to her as she held the box up close and slowly opened it….

MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME

Cadrina stopped speaking. She reached into her shirt collar and pulled out her dog tag chain.

"This was inside…"

Liara looked at her chain. At first all she could note were the tags with their blue phosphorous LEDs lit, reacting to their being handled. But as the LEDs blinked off, she saw a ring to one side of them. It was lustrous gold in color with three small bright diamonds set in the center, surrounded by thin intertwined gold bands. The bands reminded Liara of a DNA chain.

"It is beautiful, Cady. He meant it as a gift for you"

Cadrina smiled sadly "It's… a human custom… to present a ring to the one you intend to marry…"

MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME

Cadrina's hand trembled as she stared at the ring. Hours before the Blitz, she had stormed out of Nathan's hotel room. She couldn't for the life of her remember now what the argument was even about. Her sense of it was that it was probably nothing too serious, nothing that couldn't be resolved with conversation, a few drinks and a quiet evening interlude. But she left him in anger nonetheless, and that would be her last memory of him alive.

Cadrina's knees began to give as a despair welled up in her. She tensed up and tried to continue standing but it only made the pain worse. Her face tightened up and tried to let out a scream. As she fell to her knees, her eyes were squeezed shut and her mouth was frozen open. Only when she was on the floor folded into herself that her pain finally found a voice.

The doctors saw Cadrina's reaction which further fueled their conflict. One verbally laid into the other:

"You really FUCKED UP, pal! I told you to hide it, didn't I? You know who that is over there? The Angel of Elysium! A GODAMN HERO! Brass will wanna bury her in medals, they can't GODAMN WELL SEE HER LIKE THIS! I'll have your FUCKIN JOB for this, you IDIOT!"

All but one of the aides rushed to her side, unsure of how to comfort her in a manner not out of keeping with regs. One knelt beside her and held her shoulders, quietly trying to persuade Cadrina to stand while the other stood surveying the room nervously. The whole situation had gone straight to hell. And Cadrina Shepard was at the bottom.

Cadrina rocked back and forth, each sob shook her violently. Nathan was gone. She had often thought of marriage, but was afraid to broach the question. It's usually the man who asks, isn't that the tradition? Now it will never happen. He never got the chance to ask…

The nervous alliance aide was still caught in a nightmare, trying to think of some word or action to make it all just stop. As if providence heard his mental plea, two individuals in dress blues entered the room, one which snapped him out of his trance and into attention.

"TEN-HUT! OFFICERS ONNNNN DECK!"

The doctors were immediately silent and straightened up.

Cadrina slowly ceased rocking and stifled herself. She staggered to her feet, the two aides helping her up before standing at attention themselves. Her vision cleared and was able to see the man closest to her. He stood at ease, hands clasped behind his back.

"Lieutenant Shepard. Admiral Steven Hackett, Fifth Fleet"

_God, not now_, thought Cadrina. Her face became flush as she tried to stand up straight and managed a half-hearted salute.

"Sir," she stammered out, her voice hoarse "I.. am..SO…sorry…"

"As you were, Lieutenant," Hackett interrupted and returned her salute "You've done nothing wrong. Frankly, I'd be a lot more concerned if you weren't affected by your ordeal"

Hackett looked over the room, pacing slowly. He stopped at the table with Nathan's body. He regarded it, his lip tightened momentarily and then turned towards Cadrina, spotting the ring box in her hand.

"When were you going to be married?" he asked quietly.

"He never got to ask me, sir…"

Hackett nodded, then looked at the aides. "I want this room cleared out now. Everything you saw or heard stays in this room, understood?"

The aides acknowledged the admiral nervously and coaxed the doctors out. Only Hackett and Shepard remained in the room.

He stepped closer to Cadrina. He saw her ruddy face and reddened eyes. _The poor kid_, he thought to himself.

"I'll admit I was never any good at offering comfort in times like these," he began ", but I will say this: For as many lives that were lost… you saved so many more. Elysium and the Alliance are forever in your debt."

Hackett searched his mind for more words, but saw Cadrina's expression and realized that words wouldn't matter now. He started for the door, but then stopped and turned to face her again.

"Would you like me to stay with you?"

Cadrina was astonished to see this rare display of compassion from a superior officer. But then shame crept in. His tolerance was commendable, best not to push it any further.

"No, sir; I've taken up enough of your time…"

Hackett then placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Take as much time as you need. I'll post a guard outside to see that you're not disturbed."

Cadrina choked up, so moved by Hackett's understanding. She calmed back down, stood at perfect attention and performed a full salute.

"Th-thank you, sir."

Hackett returned her salute. "Thank you, Shepard."

For the next four hours, Cadrina alternated between pacing, crying and standing over Nathan's body speaking aloud to him. Apologizing for the last argument they had. Declaring that she would have gladly married him and left military life behind. Standing over Nathan once more, Cadrina took stock in all that had happened to bring her to that moment in time.

She didn't want to enlist at first, which was the subject of heated debate with her parents. Cadrina was good with tech; she planned to start her own freelance business helping to set up infocom networks on developing colonies. Eventually, she and her parents agreed that she could take advantage of a free education by signing up rather than wasting money on a shoddy technical school. Cadrina didn't have to go career – her mother Hannah grudgingly confessed that her own father only served one tour before discharge.

Cadrina enlisted and worked hard to make her parents proud. Her instructors and COs noted her tech abilities and intellect, but felt she was capable of much more. She was able to handle the responsibilities of command, but still lacked the spark and initiative that were the hallmarks of a leader. Cadrina wanted to help people, not fight them. Growing up, her father Dylan always made it a point to help others whenever she could: "If someone genuinely needs help, and you're in a position or have the means to help…Then. You. Help."

When the Blitz began, Cadrina first started rushing others to safety, letting the colony security teams contend with the raiders. But then the situation became more desperate and she learned that many ranking officers were killed, disrupting the chain of command. Something suddenly clicked inside her: her tech skills, her studies of battle campaigns and strategies, her observation of all the defensive setups she pointed out to Nathan as they toured Elysium all started to mesh and turn in her mind and formed new strategies and plans. She knew what could be done, and she dashed towards the command station to get things organized….

If Nathan had survived, she could still walk away from it all. Content to start a new life and family with him, content that she was able to help people in their darkest hour. She had loved only one other, but they both were only thirteen and he had moved away. The few men she knew before Nathan were the stock of "shithead boyfriends" who had wandering eyes, stunted emotional development or had problems with her later life in the military. Nathan was warm and attentive. He often playfully teased her, calling her "Cady Cat," a nickname she hated. He accepted her as she was, and made a noble effort to keep their relationship going over long distance. Looking forward to the few times they could be together….

It then dawned on Cadrina what her father implied in his advice to her. Following her birth, Dylan's service record and rank allowed him to swing himself assignments comprised mostly of rescue and aid operations. He took advantage of his station to do some good….

She could do the same.

Cadrina remembered the faces of sorrow and hurt, now knowing firsthand the feelings behind them. The Alliance would throw awards and privileges of all sorts at her. Surely she can use them to her advantage. She could elevate herself to a position where she had influence, to reach out to as many people in need as possible….

Resolved, Cadrina leaned down one last time and kissed Nathan's forehead.

"Goodbye, Nathan. I love you."

She stroked his hair and then proceeded to knock on the door to alert the guard that she was ready. The door slid open and she left the room towards her destiny….

MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME

Cadrina finished her story and glanced at Liara, whose eyes had gone moist. Liara sat quiet for a moment, taking in all she heard. _I see now_, she thought. _Her acceptance of her Spectre status. Her stopping to help virtually everyone who asks her. What she endures when she fails or believes she failed. Why she reached out to Kaidan and myself. She wants to listen, wants to help. She acts to try to spare others the pain she's gone through, that she still goes through. She wants to be rid of this pain._

_She wants to love again._

"Thank you for sharing this with me," said Liara.

"It took a lot to hold myself together during the ceremonies and the speeches," returned Cadrina " Hackett never said a word about that day."

Liara had a new respect for the admiral "He is a good man."

"Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if Nathan was still alive," wondered Cadrina. "We wouldn't be here now. I mean, they could have chosen another human to be Spectre"

"I doubt they would have been as effective as you," Liara noted "But it was you. And you have done much good so far. I am sure Nathan would be proud of you."

"It's my fault, Liara" said Cadrina. "I got too big a head. Thought I could indulge and reward myself for my 'good works.' I had no right to string you both along."

"Stop torturing yourself. You have been lost in an unforgiving desert, deprived of the waters of other's affections," Liara explained," And when you finally found water you tried to gorge yourself. I understand why you acted as you did, and I forgive you."

Cadrina cast her eyes down again. "Kaidan's gone..."

"I forgive you, Cady."

Cadrina's voice broke "I don't wanna lose you, too..."

Liara drew Cadrina to her and held her in her arms. Her voice was even, but a single tear did leak down. She began to rock Cadrina gently.

"You will not lose me. Not ever."

Liara held Cadrina's head on her shoulder and felt it going damp with new tears.

"It is all right, Cady. Go ahead and cry."

Cadrina slowly returned the embrace, her face still buried in Liara's shoulder. Together in the dim light of the commander's quarters.

"Take your moment to breathe, my love", said Liara. "This time you are not alone…."

END

Author's notes: Again, I had this story idea in mind for two years. So when I played Mass Effect 2 and overheard the in-game radio announcement about Shepard Memorial Plaza being a hot wedding location and Admiral Hackett's donation of the proceeds, I got some serious chills! It's exactly what Hackett would do in tribute and remembrance of Shepard, I thought. He also probably had a hand in choosing the site for the memorial, thinking of where Shepard would have her wedding.

I had Nathan Fillion (Malcolm Reynolds in Firefly) in mind for Shepard's fiancée Nathan Weiss - I know I screwed up his description (sorry!). Hopefully I'll get to write his story one day. As it turns out, he didn't have to die….


End file.
